wallytown/ask uncle eusebio

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hello, my name is Brandon, I live in Wales.

There's something I've been thinking about lately. If a person was in a bad accident and lost all their memory, would they still know who they were, like would they know their name and everything, also, would a person recognise things in the world in that situation? Like would you recognise a flower as a flower, I mean how do we even know a flower is a flower, because that's what we've been told? But how does anyone know that's a flower, cuz that's what they've been told right? Well who told the first person? It's the same with things like colours and shapes, like how do you know red is really red? It's really confusing to think about.

Would you even know what the sky was? Or what grass feels like?

Dear Brandon:

Here's what I think.

Some people who lose their memory don't remember their names and don't remember anything they've done in the past, but they can talk and walk and play sports they used to play, and play musical instruments they used to play. Some things they have to learn all over again; other things not. Do they know who they are? That's a question of philosophy, not of fact. Does a one-day old baby know who he is? A one-year old? a two-year old? I'm a lot older than that and I'm not sure who I am.

"I mean how do we even know a flower is a flower, because that's what we've been told?"

A flower is a thing; its name is just a group of letters that vary from one language to another. The word is less important than the flower. Some people believe our senses tell us everything we need to know about the flower. Books tell us more, about the life cycle of the flower, and the practical functions of the root, stem, and blossom. The flower doesn't care very much about what we know. The flower cares mostly about the rain and sun, and the bees. The flower is a thing that uses the sun and rain to make more things like itself. It doesn't need to do much else, though it does help the bees and some of the other bugs and animals.

"Who told the first person (what a flower is)?"

The first person's senses told them everything they could know about the flower. To that person, the flower was a colorful thing that smelled nice and maybe tasted good. When people learned to make words and talk to each other, they talked about the flower. When they talked about the flower, that made them think more about the flower, so then they were more interested in the flower and began to study it. People put their ideas together and helped each other learn more and more. When people learned to write, they wrote about the flower. So then more and more people in different places could read each other's ideas about the flower, and they could all learn more about the flower, and could learn it faster because so many people were helping each other. Now all the writing is on the Internet so people all over the world can read it.

"Would you even know what the sky was? Or what grass feels like? (if you lost your memory). Maybe not. You could look up and see the sky, but you might not know what it is."

You might not remember what grass feels like, but you could feel it to find out. Maybe you would not even know that there is a sky and grass until you went outside and saw them again.

I recall a true story about a man who had been blind all of his life. He had learned to live a good life, and take care of himself, and go upstairs and downstairs in his house, and around the town. A new surgery gave him vision. When he went home after the surgery and looked at the stairs in his house, he had no idea what they were, even though he had walked up and down the same stairs thousands of times. When he looked at them, he could not figure out that their purpose was to let him walk up to a different part of the house.

When he was blind, he knew what the stairs were and he knew how to use them. When he gained sight and looked at the stairs, he did not know what they were.

"How do you know red is really red?

To know if red is really red, you can use a spectrometer.

"It's really confusing to think about."

A lot of things are confusing to think about. If you talk about them with other people, and read about them, sometimes they become less confusing. But sometimes they become more confusing. Often, when you answer one question, new questions pop up. Even when things are confusing they can be very interesting and you can learn from them. Some of our greatest scientists spend most of their lives confused.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hi there, Uncle Eusebio. Do you and that Ask Jeeves guy hang out on the weekends? If so, what do you talk about? If not, would you like to? I heard he can control time and contact Orson from “Mork & Mindy”. Is that true?Philmore Strohs

How do I scare plubber birds away from my garden? I have small children and I have heard they can be dangerous. Jenny, Australia

Dear Jenny: Put dinosaur food in your garden every day. When the dinosaurs make your garden their home, the plubbers will be afraid to come.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My name is Eusebio too but everyone calls me Carlos. I guess it's easier than Eusebio. I am out here in California and I was wondering where in the world is Wallytown? Well, that is my question.

Dear Eusebio-Carlos: Wallytown is halfway between the easternmost corner of Yreka, California and the South Pole, plus three hundred leagues west and then two weeks' travel northeast by pedal submarine. Please come visit!

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How did Goon Dip Mountain, in Alaska, get its name? Dee Robilard, Quebec

Dear Dee: Attila the Hun once swam in the lake near the base of the mountain.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Was Eusebio the best soccer player ever? Jose Cordeiro, Lisbon, Portugal

Dear Jose: Eusebio was second best. Number One was Ma Bellamy, wife of a Kentucky coal miner. She was plucked up by a tornado, deposited in the Atlantic Ocean, and saved by a freighter on its way to the Azores. Ma's twister ride left her with amnesia and with a superhuman knack for soccer. She wound up in Portugal, where the male players resented her talent and talked her into giving up soccer to become a lion tamer. In 1969 the band Tee-Set honored Ma Bellamy with a hit song.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Can you tell me about dorian fruit? Graham Hilton, Eaglebirdie, Scotland

Dear Graham: Dorian fruit are thought by some to be clusters of airborne micrometeorites brought together by atmospheric disturbances near large bands of tourists. The meteorite clusters are then gathered and glued together by volunteers, using glue from the stamp collection of James Cook, which Captain Cook bartered to islanders in 1774 in exchange for salad ingredients.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Do fish fart? Harald, Porsgrunn, Norway

Dear Harald: Yes. Fish were the first farters, the founding farters, farting their way through the prehistoric waters of the world, stoical yet carefree. This was their normal form of propulsion, before they grew fins. After the famous Bean Shortage of 401,793,462 B.C. they had no choice but to grow fins for propulsion.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Why do Scottish football referees award penalties when no offence has been committed? Are they specially farmed at idiot school? Colin G (on behalf of DAFC), Rosyth, Scotland

Dear Colin: There are several reasons.

They get bored and want to do something other than run around.
They get tired from running around and want to stop and catch their breath.
Some referee unfairly carded them when they were kids, so now they're card-crazed.
They believe that holding up the card makes them look like Alexander the Great raising his sword to lead a charge.
They're trying a new deodorant and want to see how well it works when they hold up an arm.
They like the card and want everyone else to see how nice it is.
They're in love with the card and want everyone else to see how gorgeous it is.
They plan to make love with the card but first want everyone to have a look to make sure it's clean.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What is Dorian, where does it come from, and how do you eat it? Lovey Maha, Mojo, California

Dear Lovey: The Dorian is a big spiny fruit of the family Bombacaceae (perhaps because it falls like a bomb), from Indonesia and Malaysia. You eat the seeds, which taste sort of like the special treat you used to make for your little brother by getting everything out of the kitchen cabinet and mixing it all up in a glass.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What is the origin of the phrase 'stand on my head and spit wooden nickels'? Hawthorne Wooldridge, Sangamon, Illinois

Dear Hawthorne: In Ireland a while back was a guy named Pat McGinty who wasn't much to look at but had an oddly compelling personality -- he could convince people to do things they wouldn't ordinarily do. His goal in life was to wake every morning at sunrise, invent a new thing to do, and get someone to try it before sundown. Standing on one's head and spitting wooden nickels is one of his most famous concepts. Others were being a monkey's uncle and taking a flying leap at a rolling doughnut. Lesser known are the following, some of which Pat never got anyone to do:

Poke a hedgehog with a parsnip
Sue a son of a seacook
Drive an ox-team through a tea party
Eat a psaltery in my Sunday suit
Ride a walrus from Cork to Clifden
Run a fishwife up a flagpole

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What is something I can wear that starts with the letter L? Dana Furtaugh, Burbank, California

Dear Mort: Leather, lipstick, labret (lip ornament), lingerie.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Jimbo Slamm

What is something I can wear that starts with the letter I? Cheryl Matthews, Spinach Harbor, Connecticut

Dear Cheryl: Ice (diamonds).

Dear Uncle Eusebio: A bunch of wacko goon-head bongers from Toowoomba used to ask questions here but now they don't. I miss them. What happened? Did they all kill each other? Plars Barflooor, Keelo, Tasmania

Dear Plars: They asked a lot of questions about goon, bongs, sex, murderous mayhem, and other comical topics. Their supervisors -- and perhaps their parents -- did not find these topics amusing, so the supervisors cut off their access to this site.

I miss them too.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I'm looking for the name of a company that is the backward spelling of a five lettered animal. HELP HELP HELP !!! Scribner Houghton, London

Dear Scribner: In the Russian translation of The Wizard of Oz, the leader of the Winged Monkeys is named Worra. Worra spelled backwards is Arrow, as in the Arrow Corporation which makes staplers. There is also the tramk, which is the result of centuries of painstaking cross-breeding of turtles, rams, and elks.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My neighbour has threatened legal action if I trespass on land he owns. It made me wonder how far up land ownership goes. Ten feet? Fifty feet? 100 yards? If so I was thinking of dangling from a crane over his land safe in the knowledge that I couldn't be prosecuted. Richard Cook, Brighton, England

Dear Richard: The crane idea will work nicely, as low as you like, as long as you touch nothing. For better effect, strike heroic poses and whistle Wagner whilst wafting about.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How deep should I plant a pinto bean seed? Thanks for your help. S. Hilgers, Ptolemy Bay, Greenland

Dear S: Two and a half inches. You're welcome.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Wot ? Tony, NSW, Australia

Dear Tony: That's it.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What's the best way of getting rid of a body? C.C. Capucin, Gap Canyon, Nevada

Dear C.C: As noted below, the best way to get rid of a body is to wait a couple billion years, and the body will disperse. If you don't like that method you may hoist the body up the Mayor's flagpole. Then someone will come and take it away.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My boyfriend told me he looked really good in blue, so I put a bag over his head until his skin turned blue, but now he won't speak to me, or even move. What can I do to make him start talking to me again?? Duckie, Cornwall

Dear Duckie: Very few people can talk when they're dead, though you'll find some exceptions in Washington. Your only option is ventriloquism.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have friends who are a couple and they just had a baby. I know you're Uncle Eusebio, and not Father Eusebio, but I wondered if you had advice on fatherhood and parenthood that I can pass along? Dirk Kirk, Lurck, Texas

Dear Dirk: Here and there on the Antarctic ice are small pieces of Mars blown into space by asteroid impacts. These Mars rocks orbited the sun for a while until they wandered into Earth's gravitational field and fell down onto the ice. If your friends could go to the South Pole and get a few of these for their baby to play with, that would be cool. But if they don't have time for that, I'd say your friends should take care of each other, enjoy life, love the baby, and let the child be its natural self.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I'm in a computer class and there is a Japanese teacher in here learning to be a teacher and I can't get the teacher's attention to come help me. What do you think I should do: throw a chair at the window or roll around on the floor and chuck a tantrum? Jensen Geary, Australia

Dear Jensen: Demand a teacher teacher to teach the teacher how to teach. Also demand a monitor to monitor the teaching of the teacher, and a minotaur, a teeny Moor, a mean tourist, and a teen Maoist.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hi my name is Lauren and I come from Queensland Brisbane and I was wondering if a plubber could kill you??

Dear Lauren: Plubbers can kill you, though they rarely do it intentionally. My cousin Joe was parked on a beach bluff, snoozing in his car, when a plubber flew in through the window and hit the brake release. Joe's car plummeted off the bluff, and he died. Also, my neighbor called a plubber instead of a plumber to fix his upstairs pipes. The plubber's repair work didn't hold up -- in the middle of the night the pipes burst and my neighbor drowned.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Do you think if I were to run my own city or something what do you think I should put in there besides fried chicken shops that attract abos? Larklander Jennings, Old North Narwhals, Australia

Dear Larklander: How about McDonald's with guns 'n' gambling for the Americans, a herd of high horses for the French, parks with cactuses and sombreros for the Mexicans to snooze in, beer fountains for the Aussies, a nice little downtown mountain for the Nepalese to run up and down, and plenty of pillories for racists and bigots?

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I went to the zoo the other week and saw my mate in a cage massaging a penguin. Should I still be his friend? That is gross. Trumbull Ginchwilliam IV, Australia

Dear Trumbull IV: What's so gross about massaging a penguin? It's no worse than eating witchety grubs or smiling while playing the zither.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If I were to run up to an abo in the streets and punch him in the head do you think he would sue me? If so what would I do? Pugh Pogue, Melbourne

Dear Pugh: I don't know if he would sue you, but you might be lucky enough to get tossed into prison, where you will learn many wonderful new forms of unjustified assault.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have noticed that several of your antipodean-based inquiries make reference to a substance called 'Goon'. What in the name of Spiro T. Agnew is this? Fotherinton Fothergill Bunton-Buncesmith, England (Nr Europe)

Dear Fotherinton: Goon is cheap red wine.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: When the wind thrashes my hair all around, this keeps the mosquitos off my face, but I don't like the wind. How can I get the thrashing without the wind? Sophie Blauvogel, British Columbia

Dear Sophie: Transplant some horse tail muscles into your scalp. Or go to nanopals.com and order a hundred thousand Flag Wavers, then program each Flag Waver to wave a hair.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I found out that my neighbor got a gun permit. Of course I won't put up with that, so I'm going to kill him and his wife and kids. Should I use my shotgun or my AK-47? Bob Jones, Valparaiso, Indiana

Dear Bob: To be really safe, borrow a spaceship and go into orbit with plenty of supplies, then blow up the whole earth.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I blew my nose but it felt like a lot more stuff wanted to come out, so I blew it harder and my eyeballs got sucked back into my head and popped out of my nostrils. So I put my eyeballs back in but I must have put the left one on the right side and the right one on the left side because now I do everything wrongwise. Can I fix this? Lorrillard Rimbauer, Jackanapes, B.V.I.

Dear Lorrillard: Label the eyeballs, blow your nose again, and this time make sure they go back in their proper sockets.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I hired the lawn workers to dethatch my lawn, but they dethatched my roof instead. I don't mind the rain coming in, but the sun is bleaching my dog and I have to wear sunglasses when I gargle. What can I do? Elisabeth, Rydal Water, England

Dear Elisabeth: Trade your dog for a white one, and gargle only on cloudy days.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What's the best way of getting rid of a body? Alex, U.K.

Dear Alex: The best way to get rid of a body is to wait a long time. After a few billion years all the body materials will have relocated themselves here and there around the universe.

The waiting method is also a good way to kill people. It works every time and is unlikely to get you into trouble.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I punched my best friend in the head because I walked in on him and my girlfriend in bed together, but then we all just laughed, then my friend and I bashed my girlfriend and she liked it, then we had a threesome. Is that considered cool? Skippy Tarbag, Shanghai

Dear Skippy: I don't consider it cool. Something might go wrong during the bashing, like someone getting blinded or killed. But if you all like the bashing and if you all accept the risks, then it's your business, not mine. Violent delights have violent ends.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Why do people listen to bad pop music? Can't they tell it sucks and is only there to keep them preoccupied while the government uses them as pawns in their own sick and twisted games? Jason Revis, Keystone, South Dakota

Dear Jason: Tough question. Maybe people listen to it because it's easy. You can turn on a radio almost anywhere and hear the same music, and people who listen to it become used to it and want more of the same. Then the people who control the music industry can easily make more of the same music and keep making money. Sometimes a new style of music starts becoming popular with no help from the music industry. Then the music industry tries to control the new style and create new bands to imitate the new style.

It's easy to eat at McDonald's, and a lot of people who start eating there when they're kids think it's good food and keep eating it when they grow up, and feed it to their own kids.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I need the name of an unusual animal that starts with Q, V, K. Thanks, Marsha, UK

Dear Marsha: Quetzal, vicuna, kinkajou.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I was talking to a girl I like and dropped in a little tid-bit about the Dorian fruit of Java. Do you think that that was likely to have impressed her or just made me look like a weirdo. Considering I 'm English, and we were in England. Not Java. Norbar Mann, Lancashire, UK

Dear Norbar: If you're really interested in the Dorian fruit I expect she would have been favorably impressed, because it's attractive to have a genuine interest in things. I'm interested in the Dorian fruit because of my cousin Fredmore. A Dorian fruit once fell on Fredmore's head, and he was never the same after that. He might still have been the same if he had survived. We'll never know.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have two more days of school left. Should I take a machete to school tomorrow and kill the Admin staff?? Then go to their houses and kill their dogs with bow and arrows and tie up their families with ZipTies and lock them in the cupboard, then drink heaps of Goon?? Joe Glom, Queensland, Australia

Dear Joe: First present this plan to the head of the school. You might get extra credit for your enterprising spirit. Also, your take-charge approach might get you good jobs after you graduate, especially in the USA.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: We need the name of a swamp animal that begins with the letter I, J, K, Q, U, X or Y? Can you help us? Cal Wetzel, North Pole

Dear Cal: Jaguar.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have a friend and I really like him and he wants to kill me but I said no thanks, and he was gonna do it anyway so I went home and invented a racing game. Each guy ties a rock to the other guy's feet and throws him in the water and looks at his watch to see how long it takes him to untie the rock and get to the surface. I figure I'll make my friend go first, and I'll make sure he can't untie the rock, so he'll drown. Do think that is a good idea? Dar Vaughn, Neutrino Bay, Nevada

Dear Dar: Your plan has a problem. You can't win the game because if your friend goes first and dies he can't tie a rock to your feet and throw you in the water, unless he's a lot tougher than most people I know. So a better plan is to let him throw you in first, then you untie the rock and come to the surface, and then tie his rock on and make sure he won't be able to untie it, and throw him in. You'll win the race, and your friend will be dead too, as a bonus.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have a friend who always walks into spider webs and can't see, so we put zip ties around his eyes so no spider webs can get into them, but now we can't get the zip ties off. Should we kill him by tying a big rock to his legs and throwing him into the ocean? Covington Proust, San Sebastian, Spain

Dear Covington: This rock business seems to be the Flavor of the Week. I think a better way to deal with this friend is to give him an atomic pogo stick. He can't see, so you can tell him it's just a normal pogo stick and he won't know the difference. But the first time he jumps on it, he will bounce into space and go into orbit. Then you can have fun watching him through a telescope as he goes by.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Has anyone told you that you are a scary looking guy? Do you believe in plastic surgery? Travers Kendall, Queensland, Australia

Dear Travers: No one has told me that I'm scary looking, but I've been told other things. I wouldn't waste money on plastic surgery when I can get a bag for nothing.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I heard on the news that the Secretary of State is in Europe mending fences with his counter parts. Why is he fixing fences? Why doesn't he use fence parts instead of counter parts? Jim Chum, Montreal, Canada

Dear Jim: I don't know. I wondered about that too. Also, I hear all the time about firefighters getting miner injuries. Maybe they should stick to fighting fires, and leave the mines to the miners.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Do you actually look like the cartoon picture on your home page? Lachlan Jennings, Queensland, Australia

Dear Lachlan: No. I look like this:

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How do you make Hash Cookies? Per Rasmussen, Grimstad, Norway

Dear Per: If I tell you how to make hash cookies I could get both of us into trouble. So I'll just say this: If you're going to do it please be careful, because eating hash usually has a stronger effect than you expect. Don't drive or skydive or scuba dive. Keep in mind that getting caught with hash could change your life in ways that you might not like.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What kind of retard would write to you and ask you how to make hash cookies? Holly Trawler, New York

Dear Holly: Someone who wants to know how, I suppose. I don't recommend using hash, but I'm not opposed to it either, in moderation. If you use it a lot it can ruin your life. There is a time and place for everything.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hey uncle, you know how spiderman gets bitten by a spider and gets special spider powers, well do you reckon if I got bitten by a cow I get special cow powers like being able to drink four liters of goon without getting drunk? What other special powers would I get? Cobey Lark, Twizel, New Zealand

Dear Cobey: Yes, you could drink buckets of goon. Some other special cow benefits are:

peace of mind
freedom from debt
eat almost anywhere, all the time
four legs, so if one gets broken you still have three good ones
speak the same language as all cows all over the world
never have to watch TV

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Uncle I wrote you a question about my boat and you told me to take it out and try again and I did that it it still won't work. What is wrong? Seriously? Jensen Lochness, Inverkinchie, Scotland

Dear Jensen: The problem might be old fuel. Check the carburetor or fuel injection system. In the future, always put fuel conditioner in your fuel.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My school boarding master won't let me have my car at the college. I have a job at school and I live two hours away. What's a good reason I can give him to have it up here? Erson Thewan, Wales

Dear Erson: Try to politely negotiate with your boarding master. He might allow you to use your car for work transportation only, especially if you offer to let him hold your car keys when you don't need your car for work.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have no finger. Could you please suggest a way for me to type on the computer? Albert Capel, Monte Carlo

Dear Albert: There are many good high-tech solutions using eye or voice. Ask a friend to help you research them. For a low-tech solution, you could hold an unsharpened pencil in your mouth and type with the eraser end.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I was thinking about UFOs and how in pictures they are always far away or hard to see. Why do you think this is? Someguy, QLD, Australia

Dear Someguy: Most of those pictures are fakes. The rest are pictures of something; who knows what? Balloons, planes, helicopters. I doubt they're alien spacecraft. But in my opinion it's likely that there are other intelligent beings in our universe.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I try to read your questions and answers to a really evil man but he won't listen and he doesn't wanna hear them, what can I say to him to make him read them?? Kent Dorking, Wimbledon, England

Dear Kent: You can't make him read them. Maybe he thinks you're evil, and he might think I'm evil too. Or maybe he doesn't like you because he knows you think he's evil.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What's a good start for a cult of my own? I'm thinking around the lines of Aliens! Rip Smith, Apollo Bay, Australia

Dear Rip: Aliens rarely have any money, so I'd go for people instead, although you might attract more interest by claiming to be an Alien yourself. To start your cult, find a couple dozen people who will give you all their money and do anything you tell them to do. Then when other people see what a successful cult you have, everyone will want to join.

If your plan is to recruit Aliens, look for ones with money. If they have no money, ask them to give you their spaceships, which fetch good prices on eBay. Alien weapons and toys are a bonus.

If your plan is to attract recruits by claiming that some of your friends are Aliens, you'll recruit more people if you can introduce potential recruits to the Aliens, or at least promise you'll introduce them.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Every night before I go to bed I flick the light on and off 17 times or else my wife and children will die painfully; however this is not good for my epilepsy. What should I do? Cargill Carstairs, Newport, Isle of Wight, England.

Dear Cargill: Put a bag over your head when you flick the switch.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How many questions do you get asked a day? Clarke Bowe, Queensland, Australia.

Dear Clarke: Usually five or six.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have a religion project to do and I don't know what to do it on. Can you please make some suggestions that could annoy my teacher? Rolfy Grappler, Falkland Islands

Dear Rolfy: How about creating your own religion? But please be aware that inventing your own religion could get you into trouble. Some people don't like independent thinking.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How are you? J. Chien, Paris, France

Dear J. Chien: Not too good but still very happy to be alive.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What goes up a chimney down but not down a chimney up? Teewinot Zefa, Nairobi, Kenya

Dear Teewinot: Either an umbrella or Santa Claus on LSD.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If I kissed a billygoat in the park (which I didn't), and my mate saw me and wouldn't want to kiss me anymore, what should I say to him to make him kiss me again?? I love him lots! Gomer Kennedy, Tarbow, Oklahoma

Dear Gomer: Tell him there was no kissing; in fact you almost drowned in the pond in the park, and the goat saved you with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hey uncle the other day we were smoking bongs and drinking goon and then we got swooped by magpies and plubbers, do they usually do that? Has it ever happened to you? Catlin Pinfold, Tasmania, Australia

Dear Catlin: They do that often. The magpies like the bongs, and the plubbers like the goon. One time I was eating a hot dog and drinking an Orange Julius, and I got swooped by Howard Hughes in a Sopwith Camel dropping old socks and fart bombs down on me.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I climbed up my new stepladder to change a light bulb on the outside of my garage, and there was a sign on the ladder that said "Danger: Do Not Stand or Sit." So I knew that if I couldn't stand or sit, then all I could do was lie down, and I tried to lie down on top of the ladder but that was too hard, so I climbed down and lay down in the driveway. After a few hours my neighbor came and I told him I couldn't stand up, and I asked him to please put this question here for me. My question is, When can I stand up? John Roberts, Silver Springs, Maryland

Dear John: Without standing up, knock down your ladder so you can see the "Danger" sign, and keep an eye on the sign. When the sign says it's OK to stand up, you can stand up.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I heard from a relative that worked with the CIA that there has never been a man on the Moon, and it was all fake. Would you believe that? Chopper Van Goon, Mustard Bay, New Zealand

Dear Chopper: Your relative is correct; it was faked. The whole thing was done on Mars. After the ship landed on Mars, NASA remembered that they had told everyone they were going to the Moon. It would have been too embarrassing to admit the mistake, so they just told everyone it was the Moon.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Is water porous? Flaco Chapin, El Paso, Connecticut

Dear Flaco: Swiss water is porous. Elsewhere, water is not porous, except in Washington, D.C., home of the GDW (glabrous drinking worm). The GDW swims slowly through water, drinking as it goes and leaving a highly viscous deposit which increases the water's surface tension so much that the worm's path stays open after the worm has passed through.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I was wondering uncle, do you believe in the boogy man or the ghost that live deep in the forest? Nnejings Nallach, Thule, Greenland

Dear Nnejings: I believe in the boogy man and the ghost that live deep in each of us.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What question about wine should I ask Aurelio Montes, Chile's Number One Winemaker? Giles in Watford

Dear Giles: Please ask him if he likes a barnyard finish.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I was watching Superman the other day, and I started wondering: why does he wear his underpants over his pants? Are the underpants he wears over his pants the same as the ones he wears under his pants? How does he keep from getting them confused? Murgatroyd Fleeble, Omaha, Nebraska

Dear Murgatroyd: Superman's mother got tired of cleaning his underpants all the time, and Superman had noticed that when he flies at full speed the air turbulence does a great job of cleaning his outer garments. So he wears one pair of underpants under his pants and wears another identical pair over his pants, and when the underpants under his pants get dirty he switches them with the underpants over his pants, and both pairs stay clean. He changes them every morning so he won't get them confused.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Is it true that your grandfather has a white-handled penknife? Hannah, London, England

Dear Hannah: Yes, it is true. He uses it to split herrings lengthwise for breakfast, and to puncture pink balloons. Everyone gets mad at him about the balloons, but he refuses to stop. Nobody's perfect.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hey uncle, we were just wondering, if an asteroid was coming at you, and you were in the line for ice cream, and had been waiting there for ages, would you run for cover, or wait and enjoy that ice cream before you die? Nick Creagh & Friends, Boondoomaville, Australia

Dear Nick & Friends: I'd wait and watch the asteroid -- that's not something you get to see every day. Then when everyone else runs for cover I'd be in the front of the line so I could right away get my ice cream and enjoy eating it while watching the asteroid approach. If I finished my ice cream before the asteroid landed, I'd then take cover behind the only thing big enough and impenetrable enough to shield me: the head of a politician.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Do you know what is wrong with my boat? It won't start. Jensen Lochness, Inverkinchie, Scotland

Dear Jensen: It's probably flooded. Take it out of the water and try again.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have a boat problem too. I bought a boat, and the advertisement said it was in perfect condition. But when I put the boat in the water it sank. When I complained to the seller, he said he would not give me my money back because it was my fault for putting the boat in the water -- he said he never claimed it was a water boat. He said if I had told him I planned to put the boat in the water, he would have sold me a water boat instead. What can I do? Kareem Cheese, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Kareem: Kareem, I don't think there's much you can do, except maybe saw off his legs and then explain to him that he never told you not to saw off his legs, so you thought it was OK.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If I bash my head against the fax machine, does my sister have the rights to kiss my brother?? Jumby Hallelujah, Perth, Australia

Dear Jumby: Yes. Also, if you flail your shins with a log-chain, then your brother has the rights to massage your aunt's gluteal protuberances. Best of all, if you swallow a nuclear bomb and then ignite it, everybody in your town has the rights to practice the Kama Sutra in the mayor's garden.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If a meteorite hit me in the face, would I need major surgery?? Mats Andersen, Hirtshals, Denmark

Dear Mats: Getting hit in the face by a meteorite is itself major surgery, with the advantages of being free and being finished very quickly. If you survive this free surgery you will still have the option of getting further surgery of the slow expensive sort.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My mice died after a big evil man used them to test a salad spinner. In mouse heaven do they have unlimited bongs and swimming pools of goon?? My mice would like that. Billy Bill Beerbox, El Paso, Texas

Dear Billy Bill: Yes, mouse heaven includes unlimited bongs and swimming pools of goon. The mice float around in goon pools on inflatable cheese chairs, with bongs. Your mice will be very happy there.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I like eating jaffles, do you? Cort Morgan, Hawah Beach, Kerala, India

Dear Cort: Jaffles are the bee's knees. I can eat thousands of those things. My girlfriend wears a couple of jaffles as earrings in case I get hungry in a jaffle-free zone.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What is your favourite South American flag? Stefan, London, England

Dear Stefan: Bolivia's flag is my favorite.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have two pet mice and I was wondering is it good to feed them goon and bongs? Cobey Lark, Arusha, Tanzania

Dear Cobey: Ask the mice if they like goon and bongs. If they say "Yes!" then give them some. Otherwise it's not a good idea.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hey uncle sorry to bother you but I was just sitting down and I had two dollars in my pocket. Do you know what happened to it? Lachlan Jennings, Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia

Dear Lachlan: My cousin Bushrod read this, so he knew about the two dollars, and you're in Australia and he lives in San Francisco. So Bushrod knew that with the time difference it was tomorrow in Australia, which gave him time to get over there and take the two dollars out of your pocket when you weren't looking. If you hadn't mentioned it here he wouldn't have known, and you'd still have the two dollars.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I know a girl at school who I am keen on but she flirts a lot and every one thinks she is a bitch. Should I just try to bed her or should I ask her out? Gillis Wray, Durban, South Africa

Dear Gillis: Don't rush anything. First, try to be her friend.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Excuse me uncle, why do people write silly questions to you all the time and why do you reply, may I ask? Kaylan Tross, Rope, Montana

Dear Kaylan: Because they're silly and I'm silly.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Why when I look at the sun do I sneeze? Travis Croft, Meddybemps, Maine

Dear Travis: Many years ago we had millions of little suns instead of one big sun, so every person had their own little sun about the size of a pinto bean. This little sun would follow you around and always hover a few inches away from one side of your face or the other, about a forty five degree angle from your nose. You had to be careful not to look directly toward the little sun because then when you inhaled, the sun would get pulled into your nose and burn your nostril. So people developed a reflex -- any time they looked directly toward the sun, they would sneeze so the sun couldn't go up their nose. Now with just one big sun we don't need the reflex, but about 25% of us still have it.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Is snuff tobacco good for you or bad? How much do I snort up my nose? Buncombe Fink, Munich, Germany

Dear Buncombe: It's not good for you. Don't snort any.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Every morning an evil man turns the lights on at seven o' clock and tells us to get out of bed and have breakfast. None of us listen to him and he comes into the room every ten minutes again trying to wake us up. What should we do? Troilus Ledbetter, Queensland, Australia

Dear Troilus: Wake him up at six and tell him it's time for him to get ready to wake you up. Please don't tell him it was my idea.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Where do the Olympic gold metals come from? And do you think they'd run out of gold one day? What would they use instead of gold? Mac Wry, Faroe Islands.

Dear Mac: In Liechtenstein in 1927, Petra Schellenburg's morning batch of biscuits went awry and came out as gold cookies. The cookies were then crafted into medals for the 1928 Olympics in Amsterdam, and all gold medal designers since then have used Petra's cookies as raw material. If Petra dies and if no one can make her recipe work there's still plenty of other gold to last for a long time, and after that we can get it from asteroids, or make medals from chocolate instead.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hey uncle, well I was just wondering, is it possible to go out with an ex-girlfriend's best friend, or would that be bad? Houghton Hay, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

Dear Jack: Some people think that's a bad thing to do, but it's your decision. Consider talking about it first with your ex-girlfriend's best friend. In any case, if you believe more good than bad will result, go ahead and try it, but don't be surprised if someone (or all three of you) gets angry or hurt. Good luck.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Imagine if there is a room out in the middle of the ocean that no one has ever discovered, and you go there and open the door and there is a piece of paper on the white wall and the paper is a colour that no one has ever seen before, a colour that is impossible to think of without seeing because no one has ever seen it. Do you think it's possible for a colour to exist that no one has ever seen?? If I discovered it, I'd call it peetry. Matthew Anderson, Queensland, Australia

Dear Matthew: Different light frequencies are interpreted by our brains as different colors. Most scientists will tell you that all possible visible light frequencies are in the rainbow, so there cannot be new colors. But it might be possible that our eyes or our brains (or both) could somehow see the same old colors in new ways. Or maybe our eyes could someday respond to different light frequencies (infrared, x-rays, etc), and our brains might interpret those frequencies as new colors. Or maybe we could discover a new light source that could give us an entirely new color like peetry. A lot of things happen that scientists have declared impossible.

Anyway, I very much like the idea of a color that no one has ever seen, and I also like the idea of a room out in the middle of the ocean that no one has ever discovered. I could use a week there with my guitar.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hello uncle, I am a little short on friends at the moment, so I was wondering if you would be mine, or if you have too many friends already, could you tell me a way to get them? Clinton Grassick, Beijing

Dear Clinton: You've already become my friend by asking a good question. I believe the best way to get more friends is to first be a good friend to yourself. Do things that you like to do. If you're not sure what you like to do, try a lot of things -- read, write, blog, listen to music, do photography, play a musical instrument, hike, rock climb, rollerblade, collect old pencils, whatever. When you're doing something you like, you'll meet other people who like those things and some of those people will become your friends. Watch out though -- do things that you really like. Don't do things just because you think they'll make you look cool. When you're doing things you really like, you're happier, and when you're happier it's easier to make friends.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Why do fat chicks have skinny boyfriends?? Baron Joe Peel, Carrithers, South Africa

Dear Baron Joe: I don't know, but here are some guesses:

Coincidence.
Their boyfriends just like them that way.
So they can kick the boyfriend's butt if necessary.
The boyfriends like to get their butts kicked.
Their boyfriends like them that way because they provide shade in the summer and warmth in the winter.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: G'day mate, me and a few blokes were talking about you because we respect what you do, and we were wondering what you do during the day(job-wise) and how old are you?

P.S. Do you rock to Metallica and AC/DC??

Dear Friends Down Under: Thanks for your kind words. Job-wise I make websites and do some writing and graphic design. I also play bass in a blues/rock band in small clubs. Yes I rock to AC/DC (I love that kind of straight hard-hitting no-nonsense rock) but believe it or not I am not familiar with Metallica's music even though I have heard their name a thousand times. I'm young enough to ice climb but old enough to know I'm not immortal.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How does hair removal work?? You put it on and seven minutes later you wipe it off, but what makes it come off so easily? Pye Brauer, Innsbruck, Austria

Dear Pye: Hair remover contains acid that dissolves the hair.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hi uncle, what do I do if I see two men kissing? Should I be happy for them or should I hit them in the head with a cricket bat wrapped up in barbed wire? Stanley Doughsteak, Lllanelllewellllyn, Wales

Dear Stanley: I'd say be happy for them. But if you go for the bat plan, ask a friend to first test the bat with a few good shots to your head, to make sure it works.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Hello Uncle I was wondering what do I do in a situation like when a girl looks at me. Do I...

Ask her out.
Tell her I despise them.
Say hi.

Jacko Jinglebell, Otway, Australia

Dear Jacko: You can ask her out if you like, but I think it's better to take one step at a time. Say "Hi, I'm Jacko." Then maybe she'll introduce herself, or maybe she'll laugh, or maybe she'll go away; you never know what will happen. But if you're friendly at least you have a chance to make a friend, or something more than a friend. If you tell her you despise her, either she'll think you're awful or she'll like you because she likes to be despised -- but I doubt you'd want to be with a girl who likes to be despised.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My parents made me talk to a lot of doctors to see what's wrong with me, and first they said I have Disorderly Disorder Syndrome because all my disorders won't do they're supposed to do, even after all the pills and shots and the Parcheesi-in-the-Underwater-Gazebo Treatment, but now they say the problem is I'm stultified. Does that mean I'll have to walk up high on a pair of stults like Uncle Sam at the parade? Bloatus Guirk, Cheese Hollow, Vermont

Dear Bloatus: Don't worry about Uncle Sam. Try to get your disorders working well; I'll bet you can do it if you try hard. Then your parents and doctors will be happy and you can ignore your disorders and get on with your life.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If a foreigner looks at me or says something really nice to me, do I have the right to kill them?? Joe Caesar, Dangledonger, Australia

Dear Joe: Yes. Most foreigners need killing. Here are some more good reasons to kill foreigners:

Sitting
Walking
Standing
Lying down
Face on front of head
Face on side of head (left side only)
Reading James Redfield (applies to non-foreigners also)

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My name is Lee and I'm not very tall. Yesterday I called to order some grapnels and they said they would check to see if they had the grapnels I wanted. They said "We will contact you, Short Lee." That's not nice. I know I'm short, but why do they have to rub it in? Should I sue them? Lee Boysenberry, Boston, Massachusetts

Dear Lee: Don't worry. I'm betting that they actually said "We will contact Hugh Shotley." Hugh Shotley is Master Grapnel Distributor for the Western Hemisphere.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Chogga is my friend and we love each other. If I'm not gay and he's not gay and we kiss, does that make us gay? Gobob Clapper, Paris, Antarctica

Dear Gobob: No, kissing other men does not make you gay. In many cultures it is normal for men to kiss each other. In my opinion, being gay has little to do with actions like kissing; being gay is a feeling and is part of a person's natural character.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My name is Jenno; I am very cool and everyone loves me. What should I do...

A. kill myself
B. bash fat chicks

Jenno Killkullen, Kookaburra Falls, Australia

Dear Jenno: A - If everyone loves you and you kill yourself, everyone will be sad. So it's not a good idea. B - You can bash fat chicks if you know some fat chicks who like it, and if you like it. C - You can forget about whether or not everyone loves you, and think about whether you love yourself, and try to be the sort of self that you really love.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Can you think of an animal that begins with the letter N? Jordan Jordan, Jordan

Dear Jordan: One is the narwhal, which lives in the sea and has a spike on its head like a unicorn. Another is the nob, who disguises himself as a doorknob, and does everything a doorknob is supposed to do, and then some.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I am from Afghanistan and my mum wears tea towels when she comes to Australia. Should I be embarrassed or should I get lots of towels and dress up with her? Akhbar Crowbat, Sydney, Australia.

Dear Akhbar: There's no need to be embarrassed. It's interesting that different cultures have different clothes -- how boring would it be if everyone in the world wore the same clothes? When your mother visits you can wear your own normal clothes, or tea towels if you like, or wear something that not many people wear, like a car exhaust system as a necktie and a pair of aircraft carriers as cufflinks.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What do you do when you have no money to buy food? Pugger Davies, Pocatello, Idaho

Dear Pugger: I sell something I don't need and buy a lot of brown rice, carrots, onions, and olive oil. I cut the carrots and onions into small pieces and fry them in a frying pan with olive oil, and put them on boiled rice. For breakfast I buy day-old bread.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If you smoked cones through a bong with goon juice in it instead of water, do you reckon you would get drunk off the goon as well as stoned by the bongs?? Joe Caesar, Tasmania

Dear Joe: No, you would not get drunk that way. It's a lot easier to just quaff the goon. Or if you like tinkering, you could load the bong with goon and set up an intravenous rig, in one arm and out the other and through the bong, to circulate the bong goon through your brain. For a bonus effect, rhythmically clap a pair of anvils against your ears.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If you fed a cow four liters of goon straight after you had some bongs, do you reckon the cow would eat you if you try tipping it over?? Clapman Grantham, Cunnamulla, Australia

Dear Clapman: No problem there -- cows are immune to goon. Also, most cows love to lie down but they're too lazy to make the effort, so they appreciate it when you tip them over.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How do questions get from Australia to you?Ê Also, where are you?Ê I assume you must be someplace like The Ukraine, The Hague, The Sudan, or are you in The House On The Street In The Town. Jasmine Poppyseed, Cantilever, Colorado

Dear Jasmine: I am near Boston, USA. The questions get from Australia to me by ICBQM (Intercontinental Ballistic Question Missile).

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Do people who go for a jog in the morning still go as good in the sack? James Kelly, Gullygong, Australia

Dear James: People in good physical condition go well in many situations. The more you do, the more you're able to do.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Is it true that DJ Ben Jay of Holodeck wears ladies' clothes to help him concentrate? Jamie Roberts, Cardiff, Wales

Dear Jamie: I've heard a rumor that Ben Jay sometimes wears ladies' clothes to promote a refreshing air flow around the danglies, as an aid to comfort and concentration. But I think it's just a rumor.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Sometimes my bottom gets really itchy and then green bubbles start popping out like some kind of machine. How can I control this ? Chris Britten, Hi-de-ho, Ohio

Dear Chris: Why control it when you can exploit it? This talent will easily get you elected to the U.S. Senate, where your bubbles will be worshipped as gems of wisdom. But if you decide to control it instead, try eating carpet tacks, about a quarter pound each day. The tacks will pop the bubbles before release.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Do people who work in sausage or burger factories eat sausages or burgers? Ben Jenkins, Jenkinstown, South Africa

Dear Ben: People who work in sausage factories eat burgers, and people who work in burger factories eat sausages, which is why 99% of marriages between burger factory workers and sausage factory workers end up in divorce court within three weeks. Also, 16% of burger factory workers who divorce sausage factory workers end up in sausages within three weeks of the divorce.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Do you prefer bongs or goon? Clapman Grantham, Cunnamulla, Australia

Dear Clapman: I'd go for the goonie bag, but not too much. It makes my liver quiver.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If water runs down the drain anti-clockwise north of the equator, and it runs clockwise south of the equator, which way would it run if you live on the equator? Hendershot Voisjean, Andorra

Dear Hendershot: On the equator, the water can go either way. It depends on the shape of the sink, the shape of the drain, and the way the water was put into the sink. Furthermore, if you drink water in the western hemisphere it goes down your gullet like a Slinky going down a spiral staircase, while in the eastern hemisphere it goes down like an ostrich chasing a lawyer through the Alhambra.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I found a moonrock in my nose. Is that normal? Odd Varmepolser, Trondheim, Norway

Dear Odd: It's likely that someone sneaked in while you were asleep and put the moonrock in your nose -- anyone can do that. But if you find a nose in a moonrock, then you've got something really unusual.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: A bunch of aboriginals are trying to claim land rights on my farm because they think it's sacred land, but we've had our farm in the family for generations, they can't do that can they?? Rob Shakes, Dillydong, Australia

Dear Rob: I believe the most sacred things are the things we all share, like existence. For other things (like land) it's a good idea to sit down and talk about it, and don't be in too much of a hurry to settle the issue quickly. If you keep talking and listening, then maybe each side will start to understand how the other side feels, and maybe you can work something out. It's always worth a good try.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Did you know that if Bill Gates exchanged all his money for $1 bills, hid them under his bed, and then rolled out of bed, it would take him 18 minutes to hit the floor? Marvin Byrne, Wales

Dear Marvin: I'd say I hope he lands on a porcupine, but that's not fair to the porcupine.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I suffer from arrhythmic flatus cavitation, and my doctor recommended some pills. But the pills cause intracochlear thrum, gluteal hyperprotrusion, and face odor. What should I do? F. Lars Blumen, Log i Herad, Norway

Dear F. Lars: Grapefruit cures the hyperprotrusion and the thrum but raises the perihelion of the hop, which can result in sunburn on the tops of the ears, unless you refrain from hopping, which is no fun. I think you're better off with no pills.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I like you mate you are a good bloke, do you like me mate. Jason Porter, East of The North Pole

Dear Jason: Yes, I like you, brother.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: G'day mate, I've had the worst day today, my pet kangaroo ran away from my farm and I think a big crocodile ate it. Crikey, what do I do mate?? Rolly MacQuarie, Tucker Creek, Australia

Dear Rolly: I've read the police reports and discovered that a croc in your area checked into a hospital last night with a black eye and a broken nose. I believe your roo kicked the Vegemite out of that croc and then went out for a few beers to celebrate, so when he recovers from the hangover he should hop back to the farm with a big smile on his face.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Heaps of them bloody locusts robbed me of all my crops. My missus is real upset, what can I do to fix the blue. I have already tried cooking her a feed on the BBQ but she wasn't happy with the snags, and she doesn't like XXXX bitter either. What can I do mate. Randy McKellar, Bagtown, Australia

Dear Randy: Scoop up a few million locusts and sell them in Paris, where they're popular as pets. Then use the money to buy opals for your lady, new seed for your farm, and a fancy hat to show the world you're prosperous.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I've asked you a question every day for the last four years, except all except one, and today is that one. Do I get a lollipop or a balloon or something? Llewellyn Eucalypse, Key East, Florida

Dear Llewellyn: You get a balloon for asking a question every day for the last four years, except all except one, except that one.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Do you know where my 80 cents went? I think I lost it when I was sitting on a couch. Matthew Anderson, Apollo Bay, Australia

Dear Matthew: The couch makers all include a secret feature in their couches -- a wormhole goes from each couch into a big jar in the Cayman Islands, so when money falls out of your pockets it ends up in the big jar. Then the jar money is shared by the couch makers of the world.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I am very worried about my friend; he's threatening to run away from boarding school. What should I do? Matthew Anderson, Apollo Bay, Australia

Dear Matthew: Tell him he's a good friend and ask him to stay. He's lucky to have a friend like you who cares about him, and he's probably smart enough not to run away from a good friendship.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I'm from England. Farmers make scarecrows here to scare the crows and stop them eating the farmers' strawberries. Why is it that there has never been one brave crow who has investigated and realised the scarecrow can't do diddly about him getting close, and then gone on to tell his bird friends? You'd think at least one of them would have an inquiring mind, like Columbo sort of. Country Bumpkin, Havenstreet, Isle of Wight, England

Dear Country Bumpkin: The crows do know. But they don't want the farmers to know they know, or the farmers would use more effective methods to protect their strawberries. So the crows have all agreed to eat only twelve percent of the strawberries in fields with scarecrows, and eat as many strawberries as they like in fields with no scarecrows. That way the farmers think the scarecrows work, and even if all the farmers start using scarecrows, the crows still get twelve percent of the strawberries.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How can I be a better friend to my friend Sally? Matthew Anderson, Apollo Bay, Australia

Dear Matthew: Accept her as she is, buy her ice cream three times a month, and let her tell you her favorite stories over and over again without complaining that you've heard them before. And always help her when she needs help.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I bought a can of spray paint to paint my wishing well, and the can says 'Shake well before use.' I was impressed that they knew I was going to paint a well, but they don't say how to shake the well. Am I supposed to shake only the top part of the well with the little roof and bucket, or do I have to shake the whole well shaft and everything all the way down in the ground? Piesporter Stroop, Capetown, South Africa

Dear Piesporter: Shake the whole well. The best way would be to incite an earthquake, which is easier said than done. Another way is to divert the seasonal Tanzanian gnu stampede through your yard. Otherwise, you'll have to excavate around the shaft, building a support frame all the way down as you go. Then pour a reinforced concrete shell around the shaft and lift the whole thing with a crane. Once the well is up in the air, explode several hundred thousand concussion grenades approximately three meters from all sides of the well.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: In England we have 24 hour garages which are open 7 days a week. Why do these garages have doors or locks as they will never be used? Emma Brown, London

Dear Emma: In 1607 Halley's Comet wavered from its proper course and passed through a doorless garage in Flowerdew Mews, Euston, knocking down a garage attendant and breaking his glasses. Since then the Association of Garage Attendants has demanded doors on all garages. I don't know about the locks -- if I find out I'll let you know.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Last week, I met a bear, who spoke in perfect Queen's English. Could I have mistaken a man for a bear? I seem to remember he wasn't all that hairy anyway. Edgar Dogtanionian (Phillip)

Dear Edgar Dogtanionian (Phillip): I know a character just as you describe, who works at Rose and Jack's restaurant in Mornington Crescent, London. He is a bear but has the appearance of a friendly gentleman, and speaks perfect Queen's English, except that he gets excited and stutters when talking about honey. He also wears yellow socks and likes to ride a bicycle around in circles.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I am from England and I have heard the phrase 'Yankee Grab.' Please explain this to me. I am coming to America shortly and am unaware of your customs and people-gathering etiquette. Confused, Emma

Dear Emma: One type of 'Yankee Grab' occurs when a charming young lady like you visits the USA. The other sort is described as follows in Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure :

"Each of the adults brought a gift-wrapped present, nothing too expensive, around $15 each, say. These were then arranged on the coffee table. Names were drawn out of a hat and people took it in turns to select a present. But it wasn't just a lucky dip. Oh no, there was a catch. Because you didn't just get whatever you chose, you also had the right to steal other people's presents too. Say it was round seven of the game and it was your turn to pick. You unwrapped an ornamental candle and thought you'd much prefer the bottle of wine that was picked a couple of turns back. So you stole the wine and passed on the candle. Now the person who'd just lost the wine might not want the candle either so they could also steal somebody else's present and so on. You couldn't steal anything that had already been stolen in that round, so round seven would end when someone got the candle and preferred it to the remaining, stealable, presents. Then it would be time for the next round so person number eight would unwrap a present and it would start all over again."

Dear Uncle Eusebio: On the road that I live on all the cars park on the pavement making it very hard to get down the side. Should I walk on the road and risk getting hit by a car or walk on the pavement and risk scratching or bumping into a car?
Sam Twinkleton, Corkrip, Queensland, Australia

Dear Sam: You would be well served by the art of Wafting. Just float through the air like a milkweed fluff, above the cars. If it turns out that you don't have the knack for Wafting, then walk on the pavement and wear clothing with no zippers, rivets, buckles, metal buttons, or other such scratchsome accoutrements.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have things on my feet. I think they're Bunsens. Is that what Bunsen burners are for, to burn off the Bunsens? Petroleum V. Nasby, Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Petroleum: Those things on your feet are probably toes, which should not be removed. But if you feel that you must remove them, put them in a plastic bag inside a larger plastic bag filled with ice, in case you decide to re-install them. It's best to re-install them within 24 hours.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Where does the word Bazooka come from? Moughton Hifflin, Boston, Massachusetts

Dear Moughton: The Bazooka was invented by Akbar Koozab, who was too modest to label it directly with his name.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: For months I had no job, but now I have several job offers and I can't decide which one to accept. Should I be Chancellor of the Exchequer, Coddler of the Lance Chucker, Pants Checker of the Czech Boxer, Lancelot the Ox Chalker, or the Lexus Wrecker of Cockfosters? Wrentham Kew, London, U.K.

Dear Wrentham: Those are all good opportunities, but please consider an opening for Canceller of the Upchucker at the Bonnie Grouse in Glasgow. It pays well, and all you have to do is tell anyone who barfs that they're not welcome back.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I went to get a copy of my birth certificate and the office was closed, but I was really lucky because the guy who managed the office happened to be on the sidewalk. He explained the new law that says you can't get a birth certificate unless you can prove you were born. You need a proof-of-birth card. The proof-of-birth card costs three hundred dollars but he was really nice and gave me a discount for paying cash. I only had to give him two hundred fifty dollars, and he's going to mail me the proof-of-birth card and the birth certificate too! Joe Krebs, Cazenovia, New York

Dear Joe: Another new law will require that you have to sign your own Death Certificate to be legally dead. The American Civil Liberties Union is fighting to add a clause to that law requiring free grief counseling for dead folks, because it's embarrassing to admit that you're dead.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: At the school meeting I said they could save food money if they stopped the spelling bees and had hunting bees instead. They must have liked the idea, because they invited me to a special room and said they were going to give me a Roar Shark Test, but all they did was show me a picture of Keith Richards taking a nap in a fern garden. I never got to see the roaring shark. Is that fair? Crandolph Wolverbrompton, Putney, Vermont

Dear Crandolph: No, it's not fair, but as we mature we learn to accept setbacks of this sort. If you visit my town I can show you a barking catfish. Come on over any time.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I heard about alternative energy sauces. I like the environment and I like all different kinds of food. Where can I find some of these new sauces? Emma Leela Teller, New York, New York

Dear Emma: Alternative energy sauces are almost impossible to find in stores. You can make your own sauces with windmill driveshaft grease, solar panel scrapings, heat pump lubricant, extruded geothermal matter, and compressed swamp methane. Other possible ingredients are all around you. Use your imagination!

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I got some medicine and it says take one pill twice a day. They sold me a whole bunch of pills, which isn't fair if I only need one pill, so I'm going to call a lawyer, but right now I just need help taking the pill. I took the pill in the morning but when it was time to take it again at night I couldn't figure out how to get the pill out to take it again. I tried to barf up the pill but couldn't find the pill in the barf. What should I do? Gropius van Boxmeer, Torrington, Connecticut

Dear Gropius: Apply nineteen coats of spar varnish to the pill, then tie a sixteen-inch piece of dental floss around the pill. Tie the free end of the dental floss around one of your teeth and lower the pill down your throat into your stomach. Later when it's time to take the pill again you can haul it up with the floss.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I think my dog is trying to tell me something. I think either he doesn't like his name, or he wants some money. Which do you think it is? Susy Orion, Flank, Louisiana

Dear Susy: It's probably both. Try writing a lot of checks with different names on them, and show him the checks one at a time. When he wags his tail, you're all set.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I like to walk around in a circle, but I get tired of just walking in a horizontal circle. I want to walk in a vertical circle. The fitness shop doesn't have any machines for that. What can I do? Will Billiamson, Grape Gulch, California

Dear Will: Buy one of those big centrifuges they spin the astronauts in, and replace the little car at the end with a circular walking track. Put the whole thing on top of a tower so the track doesn't hit the ground. Then when it's spinning, the centrifugal force will hold you against the track so you can walk around.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: When I was five I spit over the rail of the Staten Island Ferry into the water. Where is that saliva now? Chubby Jones, Secaucus, New Jersey

Dear Chubby: A gust of wind blew your spit against the side of the ferry before it hit the water. The spit blob is still there now, with nice swirly psychedelic patterns from the green and red Chuckles you were eating, though the colors are a little faded from forty years of sun and salt.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I like the Pied Piper but I don't like pie. I like cake better than pie. Will you please ask them to change the name of the story to The Caked Piper? Lawrence Andover, Methuen, Massachusetts

Dear Lawrence: There was a movement in San Francisco in 1989 to change the name of the story 'The Runaway Johnnycake' to 'The Free-Range Sourdough Flapjack' but even with the support of Jerry Brown, the movement failed. I wish I could help you, but the odds of success for your Caked Piper plan are not good.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I paid an employment agency $2000 and they guaranteed me a position of my choice in a growing field. They put me in the back of a truck with a lot of other people and drove us out of town and left us in a big field with corn growing, and they said we could take any position we liked, standing or sitting or even lying down. I wanted to lie down but I didn't want to get my new suit dirty so I asked them for a piece of plastic to lie on but they said no. Is that fair? Lincoln Wainwright, Howe, Indiana

Dear Lincoln: Sorry, that's not fair, but it's perfectly legal. I know how you feel. A friend of mine saw an ad that said 'Root Canals $99' and made an appointment, and a four-year-old boy came to his house with a trowel and dug a little canal between the roots of a tree in the yard, and poured a little water in the canal. The boy put a sign next to the canal that said 'Canal' to prove that it was a canal, and he said for ten dollars more he would name the canal after my friend's dog, or favorite politician, or anyone he liked. My friend sued the boy, claiming that the roots were in fact rhizomes, not roots, and the case went all the way to the Supreme Court, which decided that the roots were neither rhizomes nor roots but were dead garter snakes left there by the cat.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Who are you? A. S. Madpoully, Chief Hosa, Colorado

Dear A. S. : On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I'm Sponge Bob SquarePants, and on the rest of the days I'm the Duke of Earl, except on leap year Tuesdays, when I'm the remains of Sophus Lie fashioned into a bison simulacrum.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Since my recent departure from the circus I have been a little short of cash these days. However, I still love to go to concerts and travel. I used to swallow swords and I got shot out of the cannon a few times so you'd think that fitting into my sister's backpack would be easy....it's not. Do you know of anyway I could fit into a backpack? Sarah Grapejuice, Garkwraithe, Scotland

Dear Sarah: You could remove all your bones, which would make it easy to fit into a backpack and would also prevent arthritis, but would limit your activities, especially dancing and sports. The other solution is to get shot into the backpack from a cannon powerful enough to accelerate you to 99% of the speed of light, which would make you short enough to fit into the backpack. Then your sister would have to very quickly close the pack the instant you're inside. Good luck!

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I'd like to make a hole in my stomach and pull out my small intestines and jump rope with them and then put them back in again. Do you think that's a good idea? Bumpy Raskolnikov, Pitcairn Island

Dear Bumpy: That's not a bad idea, but it might be better to remove the top of your skull, take your brain out, and practice slam-dunking your brain back into your skull.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: My dad and I play a game in the car where we take turns naming animals in alphabetical order. But neither of us can think of an animal that begins with the letter 'N'. Can you? Jennifer Fowler, O'Fallon, Missouri

Dear Jennifer: Aside from the newt, the narwhal, the nighthawk, and the nematode, I can't think of any either, except the nimrod, the nuther, the nozzlebird, the Nebuchadnezzar Beetle, the nauga (source of naugahyde), and the noodlenose tree-goat, who stays up in the tree so no one will try to eat his noodle nose.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Why are inanimate objects, such as ships, given the pronoun 'she' and referred to in the feminine gender? Mike Fowler, O'Fallon, Missouri

Dear Mike: The word 'ship' is a mistake. The people who first invented the ship called it a 'shop,' not a ship. They decided to call it a she because ladies like to shop. Later, people had to start calling it a ship so phrases like 'shipshape' and 'shape up or ship out' would make sense.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I heard about a secret government project. The genetic engineers are making a new kind of rice plant that grows one big grain of rice as big as a football instead of a lot of little grains. And they're making football players an inch high who play on a field four feet long. That way they can have a lot more football teams and they take up a lot less space. And one giant rice grain will feed all the teams for the whole season. Can you get me some tickets? Joe Latherdale, Seabiscuit, Alaska

Dear Joe: Sorry, I just gave away my last tickets to the Make a Wish Foundation. Try eBay. Avoid the skyboxes -- the view's not too good.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: If I plant a frozen pea, will it grow? Beville Cedarmill, Hollywoodland, California

Dear Beville: Yes, it will grow very well. The magic beans in Jack and the Beanstalk were frozen peas. They grew so fast and so high because they were so cold they wanted to get close to the sun to warm up.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: The Boston news said Acting Governor Jane Swift spoke at Leland Stanford Junior University. Do Junior Universities offer Acting? Rebecca Porphry, Michigan City, Indiana

Dear Rebecca: According to Gertrude Stein, there are Junior Universities that offer Acting for actors who are not actors acting like governors who are not governors. I hope this answers your question.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Why is the light switch for my bathroom on the OUTSIDE of the room? Is there some historical purpose? Planky Bard, Nogales, Mexico

Dear Planky: That's for safety. People used to put the bathroom light and the switch both outside the bathroom because they were afraid the water in the bathroom would make a short circuit and start a fire. Then they figured they'd better put the light in the bathroom so if there was a fire they could see the fire. Then they thought it would be safer to leave the switch on the outside so if the light started a fire, they could see the fire before they went into the bathroom.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: I have finally identified the voices inside my head as those of squirrels and pigeons. What should I do next? Yudy Plourde, Portland, Maine

Dear Yudy: Ask the squirrels and pigeons to communicate with sign language or semaphore so you can have some peace.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Last night for dinner I ordered Twin Lobsters. I had them cook one and let his brother go free. How do I know they were really twins? Elmo McChesney, Meddybemps, Maine

Dear Elmo: You can be sure they were twins if they were wearing identical clothes and had the same haircuts, or if you've seen them in a Doublemint Gum ad. Otherwise, ask their mother.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What is Spiro T. Agnew doing these days? Amy Shore, Teaneck, New Jersey

Dear Amy: Spiro runs a taillight smoking shop in Fresno, California and raises bonsai camels in his spare time.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: How do you ''smoke'' taillights for an automobile? Joe de Vivre, Los Angeles, California

Dear Joe: Go see Spiro Agnew in Fresno. Watch out for the camels.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: What was it like to play at the World Cup in England in 1966 for Portugal? I bet you were surprised to see, as was I, that Yugoslavia actually qualified. Do you still polish your Golden Boot? Gerry McManus, U.K.

Dear Gerry: You've got the wrong Eusebio, though he once told me that when he won his second Golden Boot, he asked for a left one to go with the right one he got in '68, so he could wear the pair with his tuxedo. But they sent him another right one. He solved the problem by turning one inside out.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Where did the saying "I'll be a monkey's uncle" come from? Sandy Mulvenna, Tioga, California

Some historians believe that the great-great grandson of the prophet Ezekiel, after a long inner struggle with conflicting religious beliefs, finally decided to join a Buddhist monastery. He told his brother Ezunkel about his decision, saying, "I finally decided. I'll be a monk, Ezunkel."

Dear Uncle Eusebio: There has been quite a subterranean hum below the streets of Brockport. I am quite certain that some kind of Alien mothership has burrowed into the layers about 100-150 feet below the surface and that the Aliens are up to no darn good. Is there a way to get them to leave without hurting any feelings? Rick, Brockport, New York

Dear Rick: These aliens were hired by Brockport State University to replace the entire Art Department faculty. The school believes they will bring some fresh ideas to the department. Aside from the aliens' habit of eating fire hydrants (which can be stymied by coating the fire hydrants with Marshmallow Fluff -- they're afraid of Marshmallow Fluff) the aliens should be harmless. But if you really want them to leave, tell them the Massachusetts State University system provides better benefits.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Why is the sun called 'The Sun' and not a star? How did it get its name? Mike Fowler, O'Fallon, MO

Dear Mike: The Sun was called the Sun because its parents couldn't think of a name. So they just called it Son but spelled it wrong, with a 'u' instead of an 'o'. It was not called a star because the people of those times did not know that the sun was a star.

Dear Uncle Eusebio: Some guys rang my doorbell and asked if I wanted a driveway ceiling. I asked them if that's the same thing as a garage, but some garages don't have ceilings, and anyway how can you have a garage ceiling without a garage, so I asked if they meant a driveway roof because there are carports like a roof without a garage, and some of the carports have ceilings and some don't, and I asked the guys which one they meant. They went away without answering my question. Is that rude? John Birdwoody, Deuce, Nevada.

Dear John: Good job.